Torchwait for iiiiit
by lady-demacabre
Summary: When Shawn and Gus are called in on a case for an eccentric collector of alien objects, they get more than what they bargained for. One shot, Psych oriented.


_I honestly have no idea where this idea came from. And just to note, I haven't yet seen all of season 5 of Psych (just the last four or five episodes). But this is more Psych oriented; you should be familiar with Psych and Torchwood if you are reading it.  
_**

* * *

198****7**

It was movie night in the Spencer house. There was a heated argument going on between Shawn and his father over which movie they were going to watch.

"But Dad!" Shawn whined. "This one has aliens."

"What's the point of that, Shawn?" Henry asked. "We're going to watch this detective movie, and it's going to be educational for you. It has a pretty tricky case, and I want you to solve it before the movie does."

"But I already know who did it."

"Who then?"

"The butler did it," Shawn said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, he always does it."

"What if there isn't a butler?"

"Then the maid did it. Can we please watch the one with aliens?"

"No, we can't. Besides, your mother prefers this one, so it's the one we're going to watch."

* * *

**Present Day**

"Gus!" Shawn burst into Gus's "other" office. "You turned off your cell phone."

"That's because I'm working, Shawn," Gus said angrily as he continued to fill out paperwork. "I told you that I can't work any cases today because I have to finish my route for the past week."

"It can wait."

"No, it can't."

"Well it's going to have to," Shawn said as he grabbed the keys off of Gus's desk. "I'm driving." He rushed back out of the office.

"Shawn!" Gus yelled and quickly grabbed his coat as he ran after the friend that stole his keys. Shawn was unlocking the car and opening the driver's door right when Gus finally caught up to him. "You are not taking my car, Shawn. It's a company car."

"Gus, don't be a soggy potato chip in a puddle of spilled soda," said Shawn. "We've got a huge case right now."

"How huge?" Gus asked. While he did have some work left, it was down to just some remaining tedious paperwork, and he'd be glad of an excuse to avoid it—provided the excuse was worth it.

"Bigger than anything we've done before."

"Bigger than finally catching a beyond-psycho serial killer?" Gus asked. "Bigger than discovering a dinosaur? Bigger than…"

"Yes… and no. Think of the biggest paycheck we've gotten…"

"You mean the money you lost when you gambled it all away?"

"And double it," Shawn continued. "No, triple it."

"Triple it?" Gus did the math in his head. That was a lot of money. "All right, but I'm driving."

"Don't be silly, you have no idea where we're going." Shawn pounded on the car impatiently. "Come on, man, we're wasting time. Would you just ride shotgun?"

"For triple," Gus muttered more to himself than to Shawn as he walked around the car and got in.

* * *

The car pulled up a long driveway and Shawn parked it in front of a massive mansion.

"Isn't this where Marvin Rimmer lives?" Gus asked as they stepped out of the car.

"Maybe," Shawn said evasively.

"No, this is definitely Marvin Rimmer's house. He's that completely insane alien artefacts collector."

"He's not insane," Shawn said with a scoff. "Wildly eccentric in a definitely crazy-yet-sane direction—maybe."

"Even Dennis thinks he's crazy," Gus insisted.

"Could we not insult the filthy-rich client?"

"This better be worth it, Shawn." Gus left an unsaid threat hanging in the air; despite his gift of perceptiveness, Shawn didn't pick up on it.

They rang the doorbell and were escorted to Marvin's study. Marvin, a small man with a receding hairline and a remarkable resemblance to a much older Alan Tudyk, was looking at a small coloured ball with high-grade museum magnifying goggles. A pair of eyes blinked at them through the goggles before he removed them and set the ball down.

"Turns out it was just a marble," he said with the air of a tragic stage actor.

"Really?" Shawn said with sympathetic interest—faked interest since he had no idea what the man was talking about.

"That's why I need your services, Mr. Spencer," Marvin said. "Won't you both sit down?"

"Thank you," Shawn said as he and Gus sat on the sofa across from the chair Marvin took. "And please call me Shawn. This is my partner Jordan O'Hura. What can we do for you?"

"I might as well get right to it," Marvin said and picked up a file from the table next to him. He handed it towards them, and Gus took it and began to look through the file. "You may know that I collect items of a more… unworldly nature."

"We may have heard things implying that," Shawn said.

"It's true. I enjoy things that aren't Earth made. Most of my items I buy from dealers in Wales."

"Would the dealer be named Geppetto or Jonah by any chance?" Shawn asked.

"Wales the country, not the ocean mammal," Gus corrected. "Please continue, Mr. Rimmer."

"Yes, thank you. As I was saying, Cardiff, Wales has a large market for genuine alien artefacts. So when I got in touch with this new seller from Cardiff I thought that I wouldn't have to worry about the authenticity of the item I wish to purchase. But I'm beginning to have my doubts. He finally agreed to bring the item in person before I commit to buying it, and I'd like you to use your powers to tell me if I can trust him."

"What first gave you the idea that you couldn't trust him?" Shawn asked.

"He refused to take the item to any of my contacts in Cardiff that could authenticate the piece," answered Marvin.

"But he agreed to come all the way out here without a promise to buy?" Gus asked incredulously.

"Yes. It was on the condition that I'd pay for the airfare, but when making the arrangements something else odd happened. He asked specifically for a one way ticket. I was more than willing to pay for the return ticket, but he wouldn't have it."

"That is odd," Shawn agreed. "When will this seller be arriving?"

"Tomorrow," said Marvin. "I was hoping you'd maybe even be able to run a background check tonight."

"That might be possible," Shawn said, "but may I ask why you haven't done that?"

"He only gave an alias I haven't been able to trace. It's all in the file. I was going to hire a private investigator, but I hoped you would be faster if you could… what's the word?"

"Divine?" Shawn supplied. "I'll do my best, Marvin. We'll be back here tomorrow."

"At noon please," Marvin said as they all stood. "I'll be serving lunch."

"Then we'll be there," Shawn said immediately.

* * *

"An untraceable alias," Shawn mused while lounging in his chair in the Psych office.

"Not untraceable," Gus said with triumph.

"What? Dude, it's only been two hours. How did you find the guy so fast?"

"I have contacts, Shawn," Gus said indignantly.

"Did you ask your geeky comic convention buddies to help you?" Shawn asked in a babying—his most patronizing—voice.

"As a matter of fact, I did." Gus gloated back. "And they were very helpful."

"I bet they were."

"For you information, once they had a picture and his screen name, it only took a few people before they were able to tell me who our dealer is."

"Well?"

"His name is Elliot Mitchell Hammond, and according to a very nice policeman named Andy he is wanted for several counts of petty thievery. So he is a crook, but is he lying about the validity of the alien artefact?"

"Of course he is," Shawn said. "Gus, aliens don't exist, remember?"

"They might, Shawn. There isn't any proof that they don't. Plus, Andy also said that a special ops team in Cardiff is looking for him. They could be trying to cover up the fact that aliens exist."

"Maybe," Shawn said, not really in the mood anymore to argue against crazy theories. "Well at least we know for sure that this guy isn't on the up and up. We can tell Marvin that much."

* * *

Once again Shawn and Gus were getting out of the Blueberry and walking to Marvin's front door.

"You know," Shawn said as he was fiddling with his green Psych phone, "this is very _Men in Black_. I'm Tommy Lee Jones and you're Will Smith. Dude, _you're Will Smith_."

"You know that's right," Gus answered while he pushed the doorbell. "Put away your phone, Shawn. It isn't professional to check your email or text while meeting a client."

This time they were led into an informal dining room with a buffet table to the side piled with food. They gathered food on plates and took a seat as directed by Marvin. Elliot Mitchell Hammond was also there. Shawn honed in immediately on the plate with only a couple of very light items, the sweat on his brow, and the nervous fiddling with his collar or cuffs. Next to his chair was a plain briefcase.

"So, Owen Lars," Gus used the alias, "is this your first time in America?"

"Uh, yes it is," the man replied hesitantly.

"Owen Lars," Shawn drawled out slowly. "It's an interesting name, Owen Lars. Owen. Lars."

"Owen is a common Welsh name," Elliot/Owen replied while trying to sound calm.

"I'd agree with you, but I know absolutely nothing about it other than whales want to be free."

Elliot looked extremely confused while Gus glared at Shawn. "He's confusing the country with the aquatic mammal… and the movie _Free Willy_."

Elliot nodded, still looking nervous and confused.

"Shall we move this into the study?" Marvin asked.

Marvin led the way with Gus just behind. Marvin's butler took Elliot's briefcase for him, but Elliot insisted that he would carry it himself. Shawn and Elliot reached the door at the same time and Shawn stopped and put out an arm. "After you, Elliot Hammond Mitchell," he said dramatically.

Elliot's eyes went wide. He clutched the briefcase to his chest and bolted.

"Gus, catch him!"

Unfortunately Gus did not react in time. He and Marvin were practically in the study at the other end of the hall opposite from the front door. Elliot ran out the door without closing it and they could all hear the sound of the tires pulling out of the driveway.

"Gus," Shawn said with disappointment.

"How was I supposed to catch him, Shawn?" Gus demanded angrily.

"What now?" Marvin asked.

"Now, Marvin," said Shawn, "we go to the police and let them know about a dangerous British thief recently come to America."

* * *

Shawn was giving a description of Elliot to the desk clerk when Gus beside him let out a cry. "That's him!"

Shawn turned and saw Lassiter walking in with Elliot in the usual "I've just caught the suspect and aren't I cool" manner. Shawn noticed immediately the conspicuous absence of the briefcase.

"Gosh Lassie," Shawn said loudly. "You couldn't even wait for me to finish giving my description before bringing in the guy. Wait! Let me guess. I was sending you psychic vibrations about this guy and you picked up on them. Nice work, buddy!"

"Spencer!" Lassie said shortly. "This man was caught by public transport security for theft and suspicious behaviour. I'm just bringing him in. Book him!" The last was directed at a uniform standing nearby.

"You will find he's also wanted in Wales for similar charges," Shawn said.

"Good work, detective," said Chief Vick as she came up to them.

"Um, Chief?" Juliet shouted from her desk.

"Hey Jules," Shawn said as they all joined her.

"What is it, O'Hara?" Vick asked.

"I just got a really weird call. There's some organization called Torchwood that's coming to take Mr. Mitchell into custody from us."

"What?" Lassiter said angrily. "What's Torchwood and what authority do they have here?"

"And how did they know about this so quickly?" Gus asked.

"I don't know and every authority apparently," Juliet answered. "I just got the call from the judge saying to hand over Mitchell to Torchwood. They are some sort of international special ops team that have clearance above government police."

"Even above the FBI?" Gus asked.

"Even above the FBI. It was actually a really creepy phone call."

"Wow," Shawn and Gus said.

"All right," Vick said with a sigh. "When are they coming?"

"Soon," Jules said.

"Detective Lassiter, make sure the prisoner is ready for transfer." Vick held him with an afterthought. "Why don't you leave your gun here, just in case?"

"Chief," Lassiter started.

"It wasn't a request. Just in case. There are plenty of other people around here if he tries to run."

The cops in the group went their separate ways and left Shawn and Gus together.

"Dude," Shawn said as he hit Gus's arm.

"Don't hit me, Shawn," Gus said.

Shawn ignored it. "What if this means he really did have some sort of alien device?"

"You mean this is some sort of government cover-up?" Gus asked.

"Exactly! The special ops team sent in to take the suspicious suspect from the police before they can interrogate him, the fact he's in town to do business with an alien artefact collector, it all adds up. This is so MIB."

"More like Stargate or the X-Files," Gus said. "And we're not any of the main characters. We're the guests that don't get credited until the end when no one's paying attention because they've already changed the channel."

"Gus, don't be the guy in Star Trek who isn't even Scottish."

"You mean Scotty?"

"This is still cool!"

* * *

It wasn't much later when a large SUV pulled in front of the SBPD building. While only a rental and not covered in the word Torchwood, it still served the purpose of being big, black, and intimidating. Five people exited and walked together up the stairs and into the building.

* * *

**Cardiff**

**A few days earlier...**

"What's the news on finding Mitchell?" Jack asked Tosh.

"He's been in contact with Marvin Rimmer, a collector in California." Tosh turned from her computer screen. "Do you think he'll go there?"

"Trying to fence a priceless alien artefact he's stolen with Torchwood hot on his heels? Yeah, he's going to California."

"Do we stop him?" Gwen asked.

"That will be difficult as he is already on the plane and in the air," Ianto said as he joined them with coffee.

"Damn it," Owen swore. "Jack, the Ganymedes aren't going to wait much longer for us to get their jewel back."

"I know, I know. We don't get it back, they start targeting the planet and blowing things up. Pack your sunscreen, folks. It looks like we're going to California."

* * *

**Present Day again**

Shawn and Gus stared with slack jaws at the awesomely cool Captain Jack Harkness. Between the coat and the way he was flirting with Chief Vick, this guy was their new hero. The whole team was the definition of cool in their eyes; when they entered the building it was like it was in slow motion with special lighting and exciting mood music. Lassiter was less than impressed when he and Juliet brought Mitchell up and saw the Torchwood team for the first time.

"That guy is so cool," Lassie heard Shawn say.

"Cool it, Spencer," Lassie said to him. "These guys think they're something, but they never are."

"Oh, come on, Carlton," Juliet said. "Don't they look just a bit cool? Didn't you ever want to be special ops as a kid?"

"No, I wanted to be a cop," Lassiter replied.

"Why am I not surprised?" Shawn said to no one in particular.

Elliot, still held on to by Lassiter, stared at them as if they were all crazy. Juliet took him from Lassiter and handed him over to the two men not in the military coat. The Captain saw her and shook her hand.

"Captain Jack Harkness," he said with a smile.

"Hey!" Shawn shouted angrily.

Juliet frowned at him while Jack held up his hands. "Just saying hello."

"Captain," the Chief said, "you have your suspect, maybe it's time you go." Vick obviously did not like these people.

"We'll need his personal effects first," Jack said, now serious.

"He didn't have anything with him," Lassiter said.

"What?" the not Asian woman in the leather jacket said. "There should have been a briefcase or a bag."

"Did you check his pockets?" Jack asked.

"There was nothing," Lassiter again insisted. "He was clean."

The woman and the Captain started whispering to each other, but it wasn't long before Shawn gave a shout of pain and held his hands to his head.

"Oh boy! Gus! Here we go!"

"Now, Spencer?" Vick asked wearily.

"I'm getting a vision," Shawn continued just as dramatically as always. "There was a briefcase, but he hid it!"

"Can you see where?" Juliet asked.

"No, and I don't need to." Shawn dropped the pained vision dramatics for his Christie dénouement mode. "The case is empty... or at least empty of the thing you're looking for."

"Then where is it?" Lassie asked.

"Who is this guy?" Jack asked.

"He's our psychic consultant," Vick answered.

"I can see it all. Elliot comes here to sell his precious stolen artefact to a crazy collector of all things alien. But he's wrong. The collector isn't crazy." "Debateable," Gus muttered but Shawn continued. "Not crazy, just eccentric. And as an eccentric collector, he knows how to take precautions. So he hired us to divine just what sort of scam this man is trying to pull. We knew you were a thief, and that the item you were selling was likely stolen. This deal wasn't going to go well. So while you weren't looking the item was taken from the case."

"By who?" Lassiter asked.

"It's 'by whom,'" Gus corrected and received a glare.

Shawn grinned. "I can see it. I can see... _the butler did it_!"

He waited for a reaction, but there was nothing. "Really, people? Nothing?" Shawn continued, but it was without his initial excitement. "What Elliot didn't know was that Marvin Rimmer's butler used to be a performer in Vegas. Drag queen, stripper, casino dealer... I don't think so." He walked over to Lassiter and reached a hand to Lassie's ear. He pulled away with a large jewel in his hand.

"How did you do that, Spencer?" Lassie demanded. He looked at Shawn's short sleeves and pockets as if he could figure it out.

"A magician never reveals his secrets," Shawn said. "And that's exactly what the butler did. He used his skills as a _magician_ to switch this jewel with a different small object."

"I'll take that," Jack said as he grabbed the jewel. "Thank you, Chief, but we're on a deadline."

Torchwood walked out looking cooler than ever. Shawn stared after them dumbly, and the detectives just went back to their desks, business as usual.

"Are we getting paid for this?" Shawn asked the air.

* * *

Shawn and Gus were walking back to their office after grabbing popsicles.

"How did you do it, Shawn?" Gus asked.

"Do what?"

"Everything, the butler, the little round alien object... how?"

"A magician never reveals his secrets."

"You're not a magician."

He looked about to protest, but instead ha started explaining. "I recognised the butler from a trip I took to Vegas. Then when you mentioned the special ops and Elliot's record, it seemed like alien or not, someone wanted that item. So I sent a text to the butler. He made the switch because I knew Elliot was going to run; I just didn't know when. I got the ball, did a little slight of hand, and voila! Case solved."

They walked in silence for a while just eating their popsicles.

"So I'm thinking this was MIB and I'm Tony Shalhoub."

"What does that make me?" Gus asked.

"The cat."

"The cat! Are you serious? I am not the cat, Shawn."

Shawn stopped suddenly. "Did you see that?"

"See what?" Gus asked.

"That SUV?"

"It's an SUV. So what, Shawn? There are lots of them here."

"That SUV was the exact same as what Torchwood was driving."

"So?"

"So why was it going away from the airport or any location useable for air transport?" Before Gus could answer Shawn was running for the Psych mobile and yelling for Gus to follow the SUV. Reluctantly but quickly, a skill Gus had perfected after all this time working with Shawn, he ran to the car. They followed the SUV a few miles out of town to a wooded, unpopulated area. They parked the car and followed the Torchwood team from a distance into the woods. The team stopped in a clearing. The Asian woman had some sort of weird piece of technology that looked like it belonged in Star Trek. They waited a few moments and then a beam of light shot down.

Suddenly there was a form in the purple light. It had only one eye and a large horn on the top of its head.

"Do you have it?" the thing asked in a very high pitch voice.

"As promised," Captain Jack said. "Now, as you promised, you won't be attacking Earth. You leave and everything goes back to like it never happened."

"Yes," the alien said and vanished with the light.

"Um, Jack?" the Asian woman said. "I got a lock on where they were targeting."

"Where?" he asked.

"Belgium," the Asian woman answered with surprise. "And parts of Switzerland."

"Why Belgium?" the man not in a suit asked.

"Strategic chocolate destruction to cripple the species," the man in the suit replied.

With a laugh, Jack led his team out of the woods.

Shawn and Gus were still hiding at the edge of the clearing after they had gone.

"Dude," Shawn said, "that was an alien."

Shawn turned to look at Gus. His friend still had wide eyes and a wider opened mouth. Slowly Gus turned his head and looked at Shawn. Shawn looked back at the clearing and took a few steps forward. He looked up at the sky but saw nothing.

"Gus, can you believe this?" Turning back, he saw Gus running back to the car screaming.

Just standing there, Shawn frowned. "Gus!"


End file.
